This project has been an exercise in stepping in to the unknown.
To say that I’ve had a few moments of self-doubt is the understatement of the century.
In fact, the ugly truth is that I’m frequently filled with self-doubt and fear when it comes to what I’m tackling with Norway. Frequent means that I probably question something major on a daily basis.
The fears range from, will I be able to do the skiing or will I fall flat in the snow, unable to go on? Will 9 days sleeping on the snow be too much? Will the cold wear me out? I’ve never trained for a physical challenge of this sort for 12 months straight. Will I even be able to meet the training milestones? Will I be effective in meeting my goals of raising awareness and funds for research? Will people care? Will they respond? Will the sled I’m pulling push me off the side of a cliff? Really…..WHAT AM I DOING?!
Admittedly so, I’m the type of person who likes to be in control; I like to be in control of my destiny, decisions, and moves. I do not want to control people, I like to control my own situation.
I like things in order. I like my house spotless and put away. That helps me feel calm and serene in what is otherwise a hectic life.
This project is not creating serenity (not even close!), but I’m aware that I cannot let fear drive this ship. Fear influences so many of ones decisions. Fear influences my need for control. I’m working on owning this defect of mine and pushing it aside in the name of helping Tia.
Something usually snaps me out of these moments of self-doubt and pushes me on-ward. Lately, I’ve been consciously reminding myself that it is ok to feel worried and it is ok to feel discomfort.
My new trick to beating the self-doubt blues, is when I’m sliding into fear or questioning, I get up and snap in to action like working out. Even running around the block with the dogs is handy. I did that twice last week.
I heard someone say that every uncomfortable moment worked through adds to your stores of self-confidence. I agree with this notion!
Otherwise, what is the point of this project called life? We aren’t here to stay in the easy moments. Do we grow, optimize, learn by always choosing the easy way? I believe no.
The truth is that I have courage, I work hard, I trust myself, and I have passion to help Tia and others with PKU. There will be bumps, but I have the skill-set to get this job done.
With conscious effort, I will silence the self-doubt by turning focus on all the progress I’ve made to date, and the reason for this journey in the first place: my wonderful Tia, and all the other kids and adults living with PKU.